Chafe

I have trouble focusing on stuff until I don’t. With this in mind, I once took too much Adderall. It wasn’t WAY too much, just 3 pills where I would normally take 2. It’s a bit like the old style of diagnosis where a psychiatrist would give a kid Adderall to see if it worked; if it did work, the kid had ADHD and would benefit from the treatment, if it didn’t work...I guess the kid would just get high for a while.

When I told my counselor about this experiment, she was concerned that I was treading on very dangerous ground, considering my history with self-overmedicating, even though the experiment was a success sort of. She never shakes her head at me, but sometimes I like to imagine that she does it on the inside, not because I like to cause trouble, but because I know that she cares very deeply for me, accepts me, and trusts me, even though she knows me.

I had something that I really needed to get done. It was paperwork, which I hate, and I knew that if I could just hammer away at it without stopping for a few hours, I could have it done.

This did not happen.

I took the extra pill, and got to work. It was repetitive and relatively simple work going over a years worth of invoices and receipts, collating the data, entering them into the computer to create a database, and collect proof of GST submissions that could be refunded to the company, or something. I was working as quality control for a fish plant, which is a bit like being a bylaw officer in that, the position needs to be filled or the company gets in trouble with THE MAN, but you’re seen as a government agent, so nobody wants you around. But the job paid well, and I was too crippled to work in my trade, so...

This particular paperwork wasn’t part of that job, I was just helping my brother catch up on stuff since I was in the office anyway, and nobody wanted me to do my job unless it was....I’m getting off track..

Focus.

On what?

The paperwork that you’ve got in front of you.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

Aaand, go.

Ok that file is done. I should take a break.

You should finish 3 more files before you take a break.

Right. Break time, but I’ll call Kevin for that thing. - He’s going to call me back. I’ll just wait because talking to him is the most important thing right now. - I think he forgot, and I can’t move forward if I don’t....know what I was going to ask him.

Go through everything and figure out what it was you were going to ask him.

Right. Good idea. - Oh yeah! It was about receipt and invoice templates. I should do some research online. - I like that template, so now I am going to go back, and start putting everything on this template so they are all the same(they’re already all the same) so that they can be simply uploaded into this accounting software that I found, and then I can automate the entire process!

You’re just looking for GST submissions, and two months ago you were not an accountant. Just sayin’.

Whatever. The process is simple. I just need to deconstruct the entire process and then build it back up again from nothing. It’ll be easier if I do it that way.

I don’t think it will, and I don’t think that’s what he wants.

He will when I tell him how awesome it’ll be and show him the deficiencies of the system he’s been working with for decades.

That’s not your job.

Well, he hired me to do this, so he has to do what I say if he wants it done since he hasn’t done it right.

Yeah, you’re right. Look, you’ve had a hard day already. You should go for a walk, decide to engage in the Wim Hof method, commit to running 10k a day until you reach 1000k, get drunk and blast your Dad about his relationships, eat a pizza, and play videogames. Oh, and get smokes, you’re almost out.

When the added dose eventually kicked in, it got worse.

I’ve heard ADHD explained as navigating a dark room with a flashlight instead of an ambient light. That’s pretty accurate in my experience. I think when I overserved myself it had the effect of narrowing the beam of the flashlight to a finger’s breadth, scattering glitter everywhere, and removing my ability to resist the imperative to look at the sparkles, every sparkle, really hard. That sounds a lot like what I’m trying to avoid.

 I did run 1000k though. It took me four months, and every day that I missed during that time, upped the average for the following days. One of my last runs was 42 kilometers, more commonly known as a marathon, and I had to run the last few staggering kilometers with my hand down my shorts when no one was looking because my crotch and everything in it was so terribly chafed.

The thing that strikes me, though, is that it was possible for someone who couldn’t keep their life together, not relationships, not finances, not anything, really, could summon the fortitude and will to run 250 kilometers a month, for four months.

The term task avoidance comes to mind, briefly. It’s why life tends to get harder when, in efforts to simplify by removing obstacles, you wind up facing what you really need to work on. I’m in school now, retraining with the aim of living a better life, and it’s been really good for my writing. The thing about writing, though, as opposed to drinking or smoking crack as a method of task avoidance, is that I can finish writing, or stop for a while, go and get some school work done, and then get back to it, whereas getting drunk or high tends to really fuck with one’s chi, and destroy any flow but into themselves, and away from one’s self.

Personally, I have so many things to work on that it makes me despondent. I have so many things to learn that I despair, but sometimes I remember, and sometimes someone has to remind me of that Stoic principal, “The obstacle is the way.” It’s not comforting, but it’s needed. I like to think of myself as someone who has overcome many obstacles, and I have, but my greatest accomplishments are by way of letting go, of needing little, of expecting less. When I get overwhelmed or overstimulated, which I do a lot, I need to take breaks before I start to panic, and overreact, and focus WAY too hard, so I take a short walk, or putter in the yard, and I let myself be ok with the mental spin, with the 100,000 thoughts spinning away like dreams upon waking, until a natural break occurs, and I can go back to doing what I need to do.
Which is..uhhhh...

..where was I?