Expert

I’m a bit of a troglodyte.

 I don’t actually live in a cave and gnaw bones. I write in a cave and gnaw bones at the dinner table like the upstanding, light liking citizen of the world that I am.

 I used to adopt fathers, and one of them used to reject the concept of being a Canadian, or even human, not because he identified as something that he was not, but because the distinction that he was anything but an Earthling, or even a part of the world, irritated him. He would not be constrained in that way.

I worked with him for years, we built his house together, his lovely wife made us lunch every day, he was horrified that I didn’t like the Rolling Stones, and he didn’t like shelves. I loved him very much. His name was John. He died of cancer.

 None of the facts above have anything to do with each other, they are just what I know, so I feel good saying them. I feel good telling you this little story because I lived it, I know it, it is true.

 I like to know what I am taking about, it gives me confidence, which I find to be the root of much calm and surety in my life.

I lived alone for a couple of years after covid. For the most part, the only people I saw were people that I worked with, my counsellor (remotely), and grocery store clerks. I hunkered down and got very small for a while in the hopes of getting to know myself. I did, and I decided that I should probably be alone forever to spare anyone else the trouble.

Sun Tzu is credited with a quote that roughly contains the phrase, “Know your enemy, know yourself, and you will win a hundred battles.”, But I’m going to hazard a guess that he knew, and probably meant, what self aware troglodytes discover, that your ego is the enemy. You are the enemy if you don’t know yourself and if you can’t keep your ego in check.

 The flame of your attention cooks whatever you place above it. If you live a simple life, that is actually food to nourish yourself, if you don’t, it’s whatever everyone else is eating, or wearing, or what flag they’re waving, or who they are fighting, or who they are voting for, or who they’re fucking, or who wears masks, or who is lying, or who’s getting old, and how old, and who’s fat, and who’s hot, and who committed suicide, and was it suicide, and who used to be what, and who did something bad once, and where did the money go, and where did MY money go, are chemtrails chemtrails, and the world is on fire for the first time ever, and fuck this guy, and fuck that guy, and why is everyone so mean, and listen to the experts, but not THAT expert, or else!, what are they experts at, anyway? It certainly isn’t looking after you. That’s your job, and it’s fucking hard enough without all that other bullshit that we don’t need to know because not a single one of those things, that outrage porn, is happening right now. It is outside of your immediate control, and if you concentrate on it you are feeding it, not because you are relevant to the situation, you are not, but because of your addiction to disease.

If you live in disease for long enough, you will get cancer, you will BE cancer.

A cell only duplicates for two reasons; because it is healthy, or because it is cancer. Don’t be cancer. Fuck cancer.

 Sigh.....

 I’m not an expert either.

Just fill your own cup. If you can get it to overflow, that’s what you give away.

 I want you to understand me, but I didn’t write this for you.