Not

Christmas evening, Hez and I sat around and did nothing.

And by nothing I mean we sat around like ‘old people’, not looking at our phones, just hanging out on the couch, quietly chatting and drinking tea.

We remarked on how it seemed like a strange thing to do, and how that was kind of sad. It’s so easy to waste time these days that I feel like we’ve lost perspective of what that even means, and how valuable it can be to simply do very little except be, and be with.

It has a lot to do with our phones, and how hard it is to not waste time with them, but they are also extremely valuable tools, and it’s not really about them, anyway. They’re just tools, after all, and we choose to use them.

I used to get asked to leave AA meetings, long ago, because I was adamant that alcohol and drugs held no power. There was no demon in the bottle that was forcing you to drink; it was your choice and your fault. It wasn’t well received. It was also irresponsible and disrespectful of me to put forth stuff like that in a place where people are so vulnerable and so entrenched. It was also pretty arrogant. I drank heavily for 10 years after that first brief period of sobriety. I still never felt like I had to eat my words, though. I still made the choice of what tools to use. I just made poor choices for a while.

It’s pretty easy to get locked into using the tools that you are most comfortable with despite the availability of a vast array of other tools, but I think that it’s unhealthy to do so. I’m doing it right now, and I’m stalling out because I don’t want to write how I so often write about how hard things are, and how certain habits aren’t a good idea, when I really want to write about how things can get better.

Improvement has a lot to do with maintaining a daily practice. I fell off my writing practice a bit over the holidays. That’s not the end of the world, but I did notice the absence of healthy pattern. I also noticed the absence of an unhealthy reaction to this fact, one where I kick myself when I’m down.

It’s ok. Start again.

So here we are, and apparently, not all has been lost in the brief breakdown.

There is a feeling of having fallen behind, but it’s just a feeling; there’s no cost attached to it yet. I feel like I need to write 1500 words, do a workout, get set up for next term, go to a Christmas social, and check my phone a bunch, but I also felt good lazing on the couch with Hez last night, and ‘doing nothing’.

Sure, stuff needs doing, but nothing needs doing, too.

I’ll tell you right now, I’m not writing 1500 words.