Wagon

I’ve fallen off the wagon.

By that I mean that I’ve gotten out of some of the habits that serve me well, and has nothing to do with sobriety. Sobriety, for me, is a given. It’s odd when I think about it, that I never think about it unless I’m asked to, which is why I don’t go to meetings about sobriety, and hear about how hard it is, and listen to people tell themselves over and over again that they are helpless, and introduce themselves as addicts. No wonder it’s so hard, with an attitude like that.

My issue with that whole style of treatment is the anthropomorphisation of the inanimate, and the acceptance of your own personal helplessness in the face of substances that can do nothing to you without your involvement. The acceptance of a higher power that can save you is also the acceptance of a higher power that can slay you while somehow missing the point that acceptance is a choice that you are responsible for, and that the power is all yours, as is the responsibility, which is the real problem. I became pretty unpopular at AA meetings with this kind of talk, and maybe that wasn't the place for it, so I was so happy when I was asked to leave. This is dangerous talk.

Some people don’t like it when you prove that you can survive outside of their cage.

Anyway, the wagon that I was talking about was sleep. I haven’t been getting up early in the morning to write like I was before the days started getting longer, and it’s taken its toll on me, which is to say I have been falling behind on my writing, which is not good. The more I fall behind, the more I don’t want to write. I have a lot of school work to do, and if I don’t do my writing first thing in the day, I have to do it last, and that doesn’t work so well. I’ve been sleeping in, and that means that a vital part of my experience is being neglected in lieu of temporary comfort. I have wandered away from the path.

You can’t be on a roll forever. I guess that is one of the hazards of doing well, you get your expectations up, and you think that you can just keep going up forever. I don’t know where that idea came from, it’s not like there is any evidence to support that belief. Gliding on the wing does not obviate gravity.

I have been using up my small stock of writings from before that I was keeping back for the occasional save when I was simply unable to write anything to post to the blog, but I’ve been using them, not because I have been unable, but because I am simply unwilling. Not that I don’t want to, I’m just not because I have de-prioritized the act of getting up and writing in the morning in favour of something else, something less.

I am all for listening to my body and my mind, and I pay attention to my needs as well as I can, but I find that I am able to do all of these tasks a lot better if I have more structure. Wants and needs, you know? If you’re lucky, or fortunate, or blessed, you’ll have what you need, I do, and I am very grateful for it, but that’s not how you get what you want. I want to be a writer, and that requires a more concerted effort from me, to write. Write anything, like this little pep talk.

This is fine.

This is great.

I did it today.