Sin

I met someone named Grover once.

 Grover was an unusual person amidst a crowd of people desperate to be unusual, and the others who were desperate to be accepted by them for some unfathomable reason. Grover is the only person who’s gender pronouns I have ever asked about because she had all of them written on her hat along with something that equated to IDGAF. I mentioned that that was a lot of pronouns, and if she had a favourite. She replied, “They’re not for me, they’re for you.”, which made a lot of sense to me, so I nodded. Good enough. I was corrected a few times, by others, for mis-gendering Grover. I would mention that it was quite literally impossible to do so, but I was willing to go talk to Grover about it, and wouldn’t you like to come along and ask Grover about her pronouns for yourself? No? Are you sure? She’s right over there sitting by herself because she abhors nonsense, or working her ass off because that’s what she came here for. Or maybe we should just get back to work.

 The loudest voice for gender pronouns and masks on the jobsite was a fellow who refused to call me by my name because there was another man bearing the same name, and it was too hard for him to keep straight. We didn’t get along. I wouldn’t acknowledge him unless he called me by my name, and he resented me bringing up the fact that he talked like Bill Cosby, which I’m sure was funny once, but is no longer. He also loudly proclaimed that ketchup chips shouldn’t even exist, because that wasn’t even a real flavour, so there was obviously something very wrong with him. He was tormented by my very existence and I was ok with that. He wasn’t even allowed to talk to Grover anymore.

 Lots of people are abrasive. I am no exception. I often struggle with emotional regulation, and have a propensity for dramatic reactivity. I’m working on it, I really am. One thing that I have discovered during this process is that you can work with people that you don’t like. I should rephrase that; you have to work with people that you don’t like sometimes, and you will probably have to do stuff that you don’t feel like doing, in order to live well.

We are not singular, we do not operate in a vacuum. How we behave matters. It matters because it defines us, it defines you. The goal is to effect positive change with everything that you do, but have you ever tried to do that for an entire day? It’s fucking hard, people are just so goddamn irritating, especially me, my own worst enemy. I’ve had to settle for a string of days upon which I can look back to see that I have simply not made anything worse, which, hopefully unsurprisingly, has the delightful side effect of making things so much better.

 You never know where people are at in their lives. Everyone has valid reasons for their behaviors, but that doesn’t mean that all behaviors are righteous, or even excusable, and it never gives anyone a pass on consequence; that’s now how it works.

It would be nice, for example, to believe that sins get washed away, but they don’t. To sin means you’re guilty, and nothing takes that away. There is nothing to which you can pass the buck, so quit being a pussy, grow up, and learn to be a decent human being. That doesn’t mean living your life trying not to hurt anyone, that means stop being guilty of hurting yourself, and that’s all it means.

You’re not responsible for knowing where everyone else is at in their lives, or what happened to them to make them the way they are; your only responsibility is to realize that for yourself and act in a manner that will mitigate the damage.

Have courage, no, act with courage, because the most difficult task you will ever undertake will be to humbly walk the path of self awareness. It’s hard, it’s so hard that I jump off and go running into the bushes fairly often, but, after a while, I remember where I am at in my life, and, more importantly, where I want to be, and I come back. I’m all scratched up and dirty, but I know where I’m at, and I’m going....uh....that way.